the inquisitive techie

Over the past few days I have been thinking a lot about bullies.

Not many people would look at me now and suspect that I had been bullied as a kid. At 6′ 4″ and 275 pounds, not many people are interested in a physical confrontation with me any more.

I was bullied for two years as a seventh and eight grader by a group of boys that ran amok in my school, and that most of the kids were afraid of. As a tall skinny kid who got straight A’s and didn’t like to fight, I was an easy target for the much larger pack of bullies, and was often chosen as a victim of the day. While the physical side of the bullying wasn’t too bad, the constant threat of violence was always there, and the fear was palpable. I hated school, my grades slipped for the first time in my life, and I was suspended a few times and labeled a troublemaker.

After two miserable years in middle school, I entered a private high school and got a new chance. In my first similar situation in the new school, I punched a bigger kid in the face with a mighty (lucky) punch, and never had to fight again. It took that one act of standing up for myself, and deciding I wasn’t going to take it any more, to end my own suffering. I kept to myself for most of high school and didn’t get picked on any more than normal. My grades returned to A’s again, I graduated with honors, and went on to a great college. Not all kids are lucky enough to escape being bullied, however.

My 8 year old son learned about bullies the other day. He was playing at the high school field with a friend Saturday, and was physically assaulted by a much larger boy 14 years old, along with a group of lacrosse players from the local high school, for throwing a snowball too close to the lacrosse field. He wasn’t hurt, and is likely too young to be too emotionally damaged by the incident, but I am beyond angry and can’t seem to let it go. The rage that I feel about this now is not just as a parent, but as a man who has been bullied and who knows how bullying works.

Using all of the restraint that I could muster, I confronted my son’s bully that day, sat him down, obtained a confession, and called his mother to come and collect him. I told her that if she didn’t come, I was calling the police. She said she would come immediately. When his parents showed up to collect their son (or save him from a beating at my hands I suspect), I was shocked by their reaction. Joey was a “nice kid” who had “never done this before “. Dismayed, I listened as his dad tried to talk his son up as a good kid, all the while telling his son “it will be OK, go to the car, son”. I know that every parent is predisposed to love and defend their child, but I was still shocked. They gave him a pass – for beating up on a kid HALF HIS SIZE.

After speaking with the boy’s coaches, I was told that “it’s not really something we can do anything about, since we didn’t see it.” So a group of high schoolers who admitted pushing two 8 year olds around gets a pass from an adult for as he put it “shit head behavior”. This was not a school affair, as it was not an official practice. So despite being together as a team, on a school field, the coach was taking a pass too.

My parents grew up in a semi-rough neighborhood in South Buffalo. My dad went on to become a cop, and my mom an emergency room nurse. They were people of great character, and did everything in their power to pass that character along to their children. If I had been in a situation where the roles were different and I was the teenage kid who had assaulted an 8 year old, the retribution from my mother would have been immediate and her feeling on the matter clear. She would have screwed up all of the rage possible in her 5′2″ frame and would have kicked my ass on the spot. It would have happened in front of the other 15 lacrosse players who were still at the field for extra emphasis, and it would have happened the minute she arrived on the scene. My parents feelings on the subject would have been very clear to all parties involved, mostly me.

School districts, administrators, and teachers today are wary to intervene in cases of bullying, and cast a wide net on ANY disruptions in the school. Kids that complain of bullying are labeled as “difficult” or “disruptive”. Billy Wolfe is a teenager in Fayetteville, Arkansas who has been beaten by bullies repeatedly, several times to the point of hospitalization, all the while being told by school administrators that “he must have deserved it”. While Billy’s story is a horrific example of a school and district that failed him, he is far from alone. Many children have been seriously hurt, or even killed by “bullies”.

So what is the solution? Is there one?

I am teaching my two boys to stand up for themselves. My wife and I are teaching them self-respect, and help them build their self esteem. My kids are both A students who play sports, have a lot of friends, and are well connected. We work hard to have good relationships with their teachers, and we know all of their friends. We have made a point of helping them develop friendships by having their friends over often, meeting their parents and weeding out the kids that aren’t good for my kids.

We eat dinner together as a family almost every night. It is the best opportunity we have to discuss issues with them, and to listen to them while they ask questions. The feedback we get from them is valuable, and we were able to head off a bully in my older son’s class quickly by giving him tools to deal with the situation. And yes, I did inform my son that if the bullying got physical, that he should smash his tormentor in the face. I know full well it’s wrong to advocate violence, unfortunately it may be the only thing that saves him from years of torment. If the only options are years of emotional pain, or an act of self preserving violence, I will counsel my son to punch the bully in the face and stand up for himself.

Here are some things we are doing to help our kids:

• Build self esteem – make them confident and aware of their abilities, personal value, and individual power.
• Talk to them – listen, learn, and understand them, so that when something is wrong, YOU see it first. My wife is amazing at this, and can spot a problem with the boys long before they can articulate or even spot a problem. She is a good listener, and my boys know that we will always listen to them.
• Make sure they know you can be trusted – your kids need to trust you. Have their back. You are the only one who will advocate for your children, nobody else will. They need to know that if nobody else will listen to them, you will.
• Educate your kids – make sure they know it is NOT OK to bully anyone, or be bullied by anyone. Make sure that they know what to do when it happens, and who to speak to, and how.
• Pay attention – teenagers are especially prone to being secretive. Watch for signs that something is amiss. Did their behavior change? Have they started doing poorly in school? Have they stopped hanging around with their old friends? Especially look for changes in behavior that include withdrawal or isolation, whether forced or self imposed.
• Get involved – get to know the teachers, administrators, and kids in your children’s lives. Learn the players, and roles in your kids environment and you will be better equipped to help them navigate it.

While my outrage at this situation may be a bit personal at the moment, the issue is real, and bullying is a big problem. All indications are that the problem is getting bigger all the time. Kids now use the Internet now to talk about other kids, cell phones and text messages to threaten and harass, and parents are less involved than ever in their kids daily lives. We are letting the situation get out of hand.

While both coaches I spoke to about their team’s behavior paid lip service to me about the incident, neither followed up. I suspect that they won’t, if I let the issue go. The prevailing attitude seemed to be to placate me, and move along as if nothing had happened. Neither coach seems to think that they have any responsibility to build character in their kids, outside of winning lacrosse games, and both seemed willing to chalk it up to a few “goof balls”. A group of boys acting as a team, assaults two little kids, and they are goof balls? The reality is they bullied my son and his friend, and likely will again, since nobody punished them for it the last time. They are bullies, not goof balls.

I am still considering calling the police and letting them sort it out. Neither the parents nor the coaches of the boy involved seem to think his behavior is that bad. Assault is assault, and I still think that the kids on the team that did this have learned nothing. Actually they learned that their coaches and parents will allow this behavior, since no real punishment was meted out. Nobody on the team stopped a teammate from attacking a small child, and several of the other boys joined in screaming and swearing at my son and his friend.

I will not let my children live in fear. If I need to make myself a pain in the ass to ensure this, I will. My kids will not be bullied, and they will not be afraid to walk in their own neighborhood. This is MY JOB as a parent, and I will not back down because it is uncomfortable or uneasy.